My sympathetic nervous system is in full effect right now. My palms are slightly moist, my heart rate elevated. My eye twitches in response to small movement. My mouth is dry, and I notice sounds I didn’t realize I could. The sun is beating down through the cold morning air to the right side of my body. The light is obscuring the screen, and heating my fingers as I type. Music is pour into my ears attempting to quell the other stimulation which is mounting a full blown attack on my systems.

This is test anxiety. Crazy. I’m not one to suffer from anxiety and I have to say I’m pretty stoked I don’t because right now, its hard to get back to normal. I’m working on controlling my breath, fueling my body with good food and water. Making sure to not stress the small things. I know what I know at this point and no amount of last minute cramming will serve to help. I think the single most important thing I can do at this point is bring myself back down to normal. To get out of my head. And thats why I’m here, thats why I’m writing right now.

Everyone else is on edge as well, the instructors are freaking out about scheduling, other students are just as nervous as me, if not more nervous. But what can we do? Just breath deeply, assess whats bothering us, and carry on.

Right now I’m breathing deeply, listening to the sound of my fingers on the key board, the chit chat of my peers, and the deep hum of the air ventilation system. Some pretty angry rap is filling my headphones, the level of stoke is rising.

From nerves to ready to do what I do. I’m fun to get stressed and come out the other side, I’ll let you know how the test goes, until then. Peace.

10pm thoughts on a Sunday

Many of the things I read or listen to these days have to do with understanding morality, or the author trying their best to understand humanity. These pieces of writing are often times my favorite because they tackle issues that I myself often feel compelled to think about; albeit talk about when I’m either very stoned or slightly buzzed. Listening to great mind attempt to pick apart the meaning they might have discovered in details of their lives or attempting to explain the rational of mankind as inquisitive or purposeful seems woefully indulgent and hopelessly out of touch. For, the more I live, the more plane it seems to me that the purpose of life is to live.

I just applied for my S-190 fire fighter orientation. I’m approaching my departure date for Australia, I’m wrapping up my Wilderness EMT, and getting ready to go home for a day. My future life right now is for the most part pretty much unknown. While it appears I have a trajectory, trending towards firefighting and EMS, I am also pulled back towards the study of law, the appreciation of art and music, bartending and culinary excellence and the understanding of a life well lived. In other words I’d also be fine to be a ski bum. I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life and with my time and so far the only thing that I have been able to settle on is to do as much as possible. So I guess without further ado, I’m off to do some sleeping right now, so I can get wake up tomorrow and do more.

I’ll keep you updated as to what happens with the fire fighter idea, and what might come after that. If I can I’d love to find some high intensity contract jobs for short periods of time where I can work and save for my next set of schooling/ trainings. I think I’ll continue to try and learn as much as possible and just leave it at that for now. Until next time.